thMNSTR
Fine Artist and Tea drinker
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Unused Out of Focus Shots, 2012
Browsing through my back up drive and I found these out of focus shots that I like. There is something strangely appealing about things not being in focus.

So, after a lot of prompting from some musician types I know, I’ve decided to upload some of the music/beats/tracks I have made.

I wear dresses, I have a beard, I drink tea, I make beats :D

Edit: Posted again, because I forgot the bloody link!
Ms. Amelia Stone Website
So, I finally got around to what I believe is the finished website for my alter-ego Ms. Amelia Stone. The site is a full archive of everything I have of her, and once I have moved house will get updated with new work on a regular basis. Please enjoy, please share, and if you post any of the work, please credit properly :)

http://www.msameliastone.com

Edit: Posted again, because I forgot the bloody link!

Ms. Amelia Stone Website

So, I finally got around to what I believe is the finished website for my alter-ego Ms. Amelia Stone. The site is a full archive of everything I have of her, and once I have moved house will get updated with new work on a regular basis. Please enjoy, please share, and if you post any of the work, please credit properly :)

http://www.msameliastone.com

Unused Photos from an Abandoned Project, 2014
These are photos from a piece I was making a week ago, but abandoned due to it just being far too dark and personal. It wouldn’t have been a good thing to complete it, and would have served no purpose to anyone other than myself. It was intended to be a composite photo of myself in my more feminine mode, and my masculine mode doing something… bad. The photos of the masculine side of me didn’t come out as expected, and were actually far too upsetting to me to want to work with. I was left though, with these reaction shots that I actually quite like. Since I am reacting to something off camera, it means you have to fill in the blanks, and I always like works that do that :)

Please read and help me give back to you :)

I am beginning to feel these days that this blog is very one-sided. By that, I mean I don’t feel like I am giving enough to the world with it. Sure, I am providing some sort of aesthetic experience for some, perhaps some minor degree of inspiration for others, but at it’s core I worry it’s all done so I can take love from people. I worry that the internet makes us desperate for likes, notes, reblogs and all that. That this all comes from a selfish place, a vain place of ego. I give with my work, but I feel that perhaps I am, in some way, doing it for the wrong reasons.

I wish to give more, and not take so much. A lot of you show me a lot of love, but I don’t do much to return that, and I want to change this balance. So, please, let me know what I can give. What can I do to help, and make this better for you?

Snapshot from last night. Myself and my friend Jen took some of my stuff over to my new place. We had a chance to play, and I finally tried on my leather kilt. Afterwards I was quite content and happy, and she snapped this shot of me curled up on my new bed, feeling quite joyous and comfortable :)

Snapshot from last night. Myself and my friend Jen took some of my stuff over to my new place. We had a chance to play, and I finally tried on my leather kilt. Afterwards I was quite content and happy, and she snapped this shot of me curled up on my new bed, feeling quite joyous and comfortable :)

msameliastone:

Self-Portraits in Lace, 2013
Because I’m moving house, I don’t have much time to make work at the moment, hence me uploading older work that I don’t think I’ve uploaded before (If I have, I apologise!)

I always liked these photos :)

Progress in Moving
So, I’m moving house next week, but I’ve had the opportunity this weekend to start painting and decorating with my new housemates, and moving some of my own stuff in. It’s all pretty exciting, and is the start of a new period in my life, a fresh start :)

1/ Yes. If you want any pink hangars from Wilkos… you can’t have them… I have bought them all

2/ 80% of my clothes moved… and barely 50% of the rail filled. It’s really satisfying to see my dresses and boy clothes all in one place. It’s also exciting because it means playing dress up will be far easier. Now all I need is a girl/boyfriend to play dress up with.

3/ I don’t get excited… ever, really. But seeing all my shoes out in a row like this… genuinely exciting, and empowering.

4/ My vinyl now has it’s own shelf… after many years :)

5/ A pink tutu as a decoration… because I had to brighten it up since I haven’t moved any of my posters or art yet.

6/ Gratuitous self-portrait in front of the feature wall

7/ Feature wall painted… but my cameraphone doesn’t capture the colour nicely at all.



msameliastone:

Unused Raven Dress Photos, 2012
These are shots taken at the end of a shoot, that I was never happy with for some reason. But, looking back on them now, I feel pretty good, and think I look pretty good in them :)

Reblogging because… well… it’s kinda obvious! I know it’s big headed, but I really do love the way I look in these. I miss that haircut!

What a blessing to have seen on my walk this morning. Beautiful :)

What a blessing to have seen on my walk this morning. Beautiful :)

Sometimes, this is how it feels, 2012
These were unintended, and have been processed and cropped to enhance what was captured. A breakdown, one that I had forgotten until finding these today. These are not staged, even though it may appear that way. Sheer luck created the compositions.
My housemates were away, as was my girlfriend. I had been drinking during the evening and had set up the camera for shots with the sofa. I set it running, and without warning I had a breakdown. In my drunken desperate state I forgot about the camera, and what was captured was me with my guard down. Drinking. Smoking. Crying.
I felt alone, and that I could only be me when nobody else was around, behind closed doors, in the dead of night. 
This is how it felt to be me at that time, and how it sometimes feels now. I felt unloved, like nobody really cared that there was a part of me I couldn’t express, a part that needed love as much as the rest of me. Despite being in a relationship, I didn’t feel I could share this self, I felt scared, disconnected and alone. Each hug, each kiss felt shallow and empty, as if only a fraction of me was involved in them. It felt like there were but two choices: Be me, and receive no affection, or receive affection, but not be true to myself.

Thoughts from my morning meditation.

It feels like we too often mistake the action that generates a feeling for the feeling itself. Overtures of joy, kindness, happiness and fun, are often just that, an overture, a gesture, a token effort. We forget to feel the feeling itself, and focus on the action instead. It’s too easy this way to mistake the action made from false desire, with something that is a genuine feeling. The artifice becomes our reality. Is it truly a feeling, or is it the idea of a feeling projected on to the world you think you see?

A certain swordsman in his declining years said the following: In one’s life. there are levels in the pursuit of study. In the lowest level, a person studies but nothing comes of it, and he feels that both he and others are unskillful. At this point he is worthless. In the middle level he is still useless but is aware of his own insufficiencies and can also see the insufficiencies of others. In a higher level he has pride concerning his own ability, rejoices in praise from others, and laments the lack of ability in his fellows. This man has worth. In the highest level a man has the look of knowing nothing.

These are the levels in general;. But there is one transcending level, and this is the most excellent of all. This person is aware of the endlessness of entering deeply into a certain Way and never thinks of himself as having finished. He truly knows his own insufficiencies and never in his whole life thinks that he has succeeded. He has no thoughts of pride but with self-abasement knows the Way to the end. It is said that Master Yagyu once remarked, “I do not know the way to defeat others, but the way to defeat myself.”

Throughout your life advance daily, becoming more skillful than yesterday, more skillful than today. This is never-ending.

— Yamamoto Tsunetomo - Hagakure

One of my favourite passages from Hagakure, a book I recommend to a lot of people, and that certainly helped shape some of my attitudes in life… and which you can buy here

Early Expression, 2012
This is one of the first shoots I did when I was starting to ‘come out’ as it were. I wasn’t really trying to be feminine, but I wasn’t trying to masculine either. They were my first attempts at actually expressing who I felt I was in front of a camera, and I’ve never shown them before today. I was also coming to terms with my body, and trying to present it in a light that made me feel comfortable.
I’ve had body issues ever since I was a teenager, and never felt comfortable showing it to anyone. A few years before these were taken, I was approximately 17 stone. Through years of pushing myself I’d dropped to about 12 stone when I took the photos, but I’d still lost all confidence in the way I looked. It’s my attempt at taking ownership of my body, and accepting it can be a beautiful thing, even if it doesn’t match up to the harsh and artificial standards that we see set by the media.

Scans of three photos from that same shoot.

I promise, this is the last post for the day. I feel like I am spamming now, but I just keep finding photos from this period back in 2010. It was a pretty big day for me to be fair, it was the first time in almost 10 years that I’d worn women’s clothes in front of people and been in front of a camera. It was, in some respect, my ‘coming out’ shoot.